Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
