i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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