I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I need a burrito and a hug.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
