Already got asked if we're dating
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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