he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
