I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
