one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I met the friendliest cop last night
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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