be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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