I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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