A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
