can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
