The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
