Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
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