On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
