Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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