They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
A+ Viking dick
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