We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
