I think I won the penis lottery.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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