I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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