Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
