Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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