from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
