i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
