i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
