At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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