The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
