No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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