I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
