my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
