just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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