Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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