You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We're not piercing ourselves today.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
