Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
