Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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