life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
