Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I looked at my own cervix.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
