im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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