just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
