Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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