I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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