All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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