Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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