i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
