Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
