My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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