If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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