"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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