I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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