I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
