porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
