I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
